As the parent of an autistic boy, I grapple with social, sensory, self care, and behavioral issues every day but it always nice to remember that I have a bag of tricks at my disposal. I like to keep a mental list of reminders and ideas for ways to handle our day to day issues. Being armed with solutions is half the battle…

1. Accentuate the Positive – Sure there are “negatives” to deal with every day and it can be hard to think positive when you have a child red faced and screaming at you but you have think about your responses to inappropriate behavior and be smart about it. When you react badly and fly off the handle you model the same behavior you are trying to discourage. Instead of using punishments and penalties think abut how you can accentuate the positives and encourage more of it.

2. Don’t Try to Teach During a Tantrum – It won’t work! Both parties need to take a time out from each other, calm down, and come back to the situation/discussion when the time is right. Not only will you be more likely to reach them, you are modeling self control by removing yourself from a situation when it gets heated.

3. Give Them the Time of Day – If you are having a persistent problem getting your child to perform certain tasks think about whether or not it is the task that is the problem or the time of day. If chore time is right after school when they may be hungry and tired see if you can reschedule for later, when they have had a snack and brief rest. You may meet with resistance if bath time falls during their favorite TV shows. Ask them ahead of time what when they want to take their bath and be flexible.

4. Give Them a Warning – No one likes to be interrupted and told they have to immediately change focus. Be respectful by giving them a 2, 5, or 10 minutes heads up that they will be required to stop what they are doing and switch to a new task, leave the house, eat dinner, etc.

5. Make a Deal/Contract – You may have to bargain to get the desired outcome. If you want your child to clean his room perhaps you can make a deal. “You clean your room and I will take you to the movies this afternoon.” Put it in writing and give them a copy of the contract. If they follow through with their end of the deal you follow through with yours. Having a visual, like a coupon or contract, helps many kids stay on task.

What is your best tip/idea for reaching an autistic child?

As parents of preschoolers or one who spends time with them, you may be at a loss for how to deal with preschool temper tantrums. Using the following ideas may give you the tools you need to deal with temper tantrums effectively and have a better behaved child, too.

Why do preschoolers have temper tantrums in the first place? You expect toddlers to have them when they’re unable to communicate their wants or needs, but preschoolers should be past that, shouldn’t they? Actually, understanding why a preschooler has tantrums can be the first step in knowing how to deal with them.

Preschoolers are toddlers with a year or more life behind them, so it’s not unusual for them to have tantrums for the same reasons. Those reasons include:

* Being tired due to too much activity
* Being hungry while on the go
* Not getting what they want when they want it
* Being angry or frustrated
* Feeling neglected and wanting attention
* Wanting to be able to do things for themselves but not being able to yet

How you handle temper tantrums now may play a large part in how your preschooler acts when he or she gets older. Incorrect handling could very well lead to behavior problems in the future. While having tantrums is a normal part of your preschooler’s development, how you choose to react and deal with them is entirely up to you.

No matter how embarrassing your preschooler acts in public, don’t give in to them. It’s important for them to learn that a melt down is not the way to get what they need and or want. You’ll also want to be sure to tell them you love them and you’re telling them “no” for a good reason.

Try to do your best to stay cool during this trying circumstance. Tell your child you understand they are frustrated, hungry, or tired. Ask them to calm down and help you decide how to work it out. They need to know you’ll listen and that you want to help them learn to deal with their own frustrations. If they calm down, give them a toy you brought from home to distract them until you can finish what you’re doing.

You can model good behavior for them by not losing your cool or raising your voice, no matter how much you might want to. If you can remain calm in the face of a preschooler in the middle of a meltdown, your demeanor may calm them down, too. Reacting poorly yourself may encourage the child to throw more tantrums because it shows their behavior will elicit a response.

Remove the child from the location if you have to, even if that means leaving a full buggy of groceries at the front of the store. (You can tell them you’ll be back when your child has calmed down; maybe they won’t restock everything while you’re gone.) Put your preschooler in their car seat and tell them you won’t go back into the store until they calm down and can act politely. Then sit with them quietly and calmly until their mood improves.

As a parent or caregiver of a preschooler, you want to know how to deal with their temper tantrums. Remember to bring along a snack or something for your preschooler to do if you’re going to be away from home for a while. This may help you avoid a temper tantrum which is better than having to deal with it.

I just had to repost this chain email I got on an AP group:

Tough Love vs. Spanking – Good Argument

Most people think it is improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of those moments.

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it’s the vibration from the car, others say it’s the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.  Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

This works with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.

Disclaimer: In case you are not quite sure what humor is… please be advised that this is satire and not meant to be taken seriously!

Gentle discipline advocates emphasize patience, firmness and consistency and do not condone physical punishment since the goal is to teach reason, boundaries and sound judgment and to discourage violence.

When your older child misbehaves it is suggested that you acknowledge his growing ability to talk and express his feelings.  Perhaps a calm discussion about the problem or behavior in question is the best way of getting at the problem.  If both of you are not calm, delay the discussion until you are calm. Then try again. When children feel they’re being heard and understood they’re more inclined to follow expectations in the future.

Sometimes older children just need to better understand why a rule is put in place.  Take the time to explain why a certain rule was made and discuss the potential dangers or implications of behavior that violates that rule.

Be consistent in the way you discipline and make sure the penalty fits the digression.  If kids think they are being treated unfairly they’ll likely rebel and take no new lessons away from the disciplining experience.  Consistency and fairness are very important to older children.

Pick your battles.  Many older children and teens will try to push their boundaries as part of their “biology” and their desire to be their own person, separate and distinct form Mom or Dad.  Boundary pushing can be frequent or infrequent.   Depending on your child and the degree of the violation, you may want to pick your battles.  If you are constantly disciplining your teen you may eventually lose effectiveness or even a decent relationship with this child.  Allow your child some elbow-room on things that aren’t critical to their health and safety.  When it comes time for you to want to negotiate on an issue (e.g., you may not want your child to go to a certain place or friend’s house) perhaps you will negotiate better if you have previously made allowances in earlier situations.

Don’t threaten to give up on your child.  Many parents of older children will say this and if we believe that we are helping to build character and confidence in our children these kinds of threats are not helpful.  Your child should never think that you would for one second give up or withdraw your love or protection.

Be positive, listen to your children, set reasonable boundaries that are clearly explained and be consistent in the way you respond to behavioral issues.  Your child is paying attention to your response and may even repeat your disciplinary actions when he has a child of his own.  With that in mind don’t respond in a way that you wouldn’t want repeated.  The easy response is to yell or lash out.  The harder response is to discipline with respect for the child and with authority that can’t be mistaken. Raising and disciplining older children isn’t an art or science, but it is a responsibility that takes patience and love.

CL is sometimes considered a parenting philosophy, where children are considered to have an equal say in family decision making.  This may either sound chaotic or unrealistic but by reviewing the principles of CL I think you’ll agree that it can form the basis for a family lifestyle that is not only balanced and nurturing but educational as well.

The main principles involved in CL are: equality, trust and self-determination.

Equality
In a family that has embraced consensual living, the principle of equality is very important.  What this means is that the thoughts, feelings and needs of each individual involved are equally valued and equally considered.

Each member of the community/family is not just considered equal they each must truly feel equal and that is an important distinction.

Trust
Direct, honest and sincere communication is an expectation of individuals choosing the consensual living lifestyle.  Each member of the family must trust that all members are being truthful when sharing their wants or needs or suggesting solutions to an issue or problem.

It is so important that in times of conflict, each member of the family trusts that together the family will arrive at a mutually agreeable solution.

Self-Determination
In this model or approach to living it is believed that only the individual is capable of making decisions that are right for him.  Of course it is hoped that each individual will have the ability to access the kind of information he or she needs to make informed decisions about the course of life they choose.

The principles of consensual living outlined above provide a foundation for parents to raise children this parenting approach and family lifestyle.  One reason why this is considered such an ideal parenting approach is because it is a lifestyle that supports effective conflict resolution.

Essentially we have children and/or teens and adults in a CL family who regard each other as equals, have explicit trust in one another, and feel empowered to make decisions about their own destiny.  This sounds wonderful but it also sounds like the kind of situation where you will have conflict – especially when there individuals pursuing their own self-determination goals.

CL can work beautifully in these situations.  Yes there will be differences of opinion since in a CL family each person will have an opportunity to communicate their particular need or vision and that may not be the same as another family member’s vision of need.  Those differences of opinion, however, are valued and considered because that is the basis for CL.

A family is then able to continue the exploration and discussion of each person’s perspectives until a mutually agreeable solution is reached.  The process won’t necessarily be quick or easy but it will be inclusive.  A wonderful benefit of this process is the impact that it has on younger children.  As children mature they are able to take these problem-solving abilities with them into other personal and business relationships.

My husband and I are having a hard time getting our 7 year old to clean his room. His room gets so bad that I am afraid someone will kill themselves trying to walk through it. Yesterday we decided he needed to clean it but he just wouldn’t do. He kept sneaking out or he sat and played in it and didn’t clean. We resorted to yelling and then eventually to a spanking and yet he still didn’t clean his room. I also felt terrible after he got spanked and he sat in his room sobbing. But he needs to be able to clean his room on his own. What should we have done differently?

Sorry that you are having such a tough time with this issue. Here are a few ideas to help avoid this scenario in the future.

First, it sounds as though your son’s room would take a lot of time to clean if it was as bad as you described. That was probably too much for a 7 year old to handle. Not only was the thought of cleaning that room overwhelming to him he may not have the skills required yet. I have a son about the same age and he can also let his room get out of control if we let it go too long. When that happens I go in and clean it with him, giving him jobs to do and showing him first hand how to get it clean. I don’t worry one bit that he won’t learn to clean it himself….how will he learn unless I repeatedly show him?

Before bed each night I also go in and do a quick once over for him..perhaps giving one job to do…like taking his laundry downstairs or picking up his art supplies. Doing this little bit each night helps us keep it from getting too bad. Cleaning his room together allows me to teach him how to clean and it allows me to see what activities and art projects he is working on and discuss them with him. We both enjoy this time spent together.

Next time your son’s room gets out of control get your hands dirty and clean it with him. I don’t think you are really afraid he won’t know how to clean a room as an adult if you help him as a child. So why worry about making him do it on his own? In fact, when my bedroom needs cleaned I often ask the kids to help me out or my husband and I do it together. I CAN clean it on my own but it goes much faster and it is more enjoyable if I have help. Just put yourself in your children’s shoes….if it was your room would you want to be stuck in there cleaning it all day by yourself? Probably not.

Spanking teaches children that violence is the solution to problems. Hitting teaches that we can and should use physical coersion to get what we want. Not only does spanking teach things that are surely contrary to what we actually want it can errode the trust between parent and child too.

Essentially when we talk about discipline we are talking about behavior that we would like to correct in our children.  What better way to teach our children then to model good behavior and behave in a way that is considered respectful, fair and appropriate.  Hitting or spanking a child is a behavior not considered respectful or even civil so why would we subject children to such “behavior”? Furthermore we should only discipline in ways that make us feel good about our actions. Can you discipline in front of an audience and not feel ashamed? If not, then something is wrong.

There are many advocates for corporal punishment (spanking) that argue that children who misbehave will only respond to a good spanking and that parents who do not spank such kids “spoil” them. We hear the “spare the rod” advice all to often.  As stated above, spanking teaches kids that violence is okay and the “rod” referred to in the Bible is not a physical rod to spank with but instead is a symbol for teaching and guiding.

One of TV’s more popular advice experts, psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw, notes on his website that research has shown that “long-term consequences of spanking can include increased aggressiveness, antisocial behavior, and delinquency.” Does that sound like something we want? Surely not!

No matter what immediate benefits that spanking may bring (stopping the misbehavior)  do we as parents want to accept the potential long term consequences? Is it worth it?

In many cases parents spank because they simply don’t have any better ideas or approaches to stop the misbehavior that does not include spanking. Many parents simply raise their children in the manner in which they were brought up. Often times parents do things without even being aware that they are repeating a behavior they were taught as a child. You can break the cycle!

So how do parents break the “spanking cycle”?  A good way is to become informed about the alternative ways of discipline. These alternatives may be more time consuming and frustrating but on one ever said parenting was easy.

Take the time to talk to your child.  It may take a while for your child to respond to “talking” but with consistency and firmness in your approach it can be a much more satisfying and educational moment for both you and your child.

Whether the child is 3 or 9, taking the time to express and communicate your displeasure with a behavior is a rich learning moment.  It may not feel that way at the time, but by honesty and sincerely expressing your discontent in language that reaches your child, you are showing real concern and engaging your child in a way that teaches him respect and good communication.

The consistent show of respect and patience in listening to your child explain his behavior will teach your child the importance of dignity and compassion during those times when it matters most.

You will be exhausted and it will take likely far greater effort than a spanking, but the benefit will far outweigh the inconvenience of fatigue.  You don’t have to be perfect as a parent; you just have to be willing to take each disciplinary experience as a learning one for you and your child.

More reading:

Positive Discipline

The Discipline Book

ADVENTURES IN GENTLE DISCIPLINE

The No-Cry Discipline Solution

In severe cases, children have resorted to committing suicide over low self-esteem issues.

In order for them to start building confidence in themselves, you’ll need to sit back and take a look at what you’re doing to encourage them in their lives.

Your child needs your guidance and nurturing all throughout his life. Some of the mistakes that parents make with their children, without even realizing it, are focusing too much on their children’s weaknesses and not enough on their strong points.

No child, or adult for that matter, is perfect – so there’s no need to constantly remind them of that every day. Children need to be taught right from wrong, but you shouldn’t harp on the fact that they never get anything right.

You’re there to help them realize their mistakes, help them to learn from them, and show them how to change paths and turn something from a negative into a positive. Focusing on the mistakes they make will only lower their self-esteem and make them feel like they can’t do anything right.

Some children only hear the negative things and nothing about the positive. Sometimes parents forget to praise their children for the good things they do. It’s those moments in a child’s life that allows them to build confidence within themselves.

Sometimes children need to be given a little more responsibility so that they have ample opportunity to achieve something. Those who aren’t given the chance equate it with not being good enough to do anything.

It dampers their spirit and will eventually control them to the point where they won’t want to try to achieve anything for fear of yet another failure. Give them some kind of responsibility that’s appropriate for their age and skillset.

Children look up to their parents.  In their eyes, you’re superhuman, but that can sometimes result in low confidence in themselves when they start to think that they could never live up to you.

Don’t be afraid to let them know (and see) your imperfections. It’s a lot easier on them when they realize that you make mistakes, too.  For families with more than one child, competition arises for their parent’s attention and affection.

Each child needs to be treated individually according to how you feel they need it, but the accolades they receive should be equal in abundance.  Help your child deal with the turmoil of everyday life as they move from childhood to adult by building their self-esteem a little bit each day.

 [tags]self esteem, children, child, self-esteem, family, development, nurturing[/tags]

Parenting consciously means taking the time to think before responding. Instead of doing what everyone else does, we choose our responses and pass them through our filter. We endeavor to parent according to higher standards that may include gentleness, minimizing punishment as a discipline tool, and respect for our child’s understanding and development. And yet in the “heat of the moment”, these higher standards can easily elude us! Here are some ways we can take back control of ourselves first, so we can help our children learn self control.

1) Tame the anger beast. Standard psychological wisdom for years has claimed that letting out your anger was cathartic, therapeutic, and that “holding our feelings in” was bad for our emotional and physical health.

 You know what? That so-called wisdom turned out to be bunk! Now, science has shone light on a different truth thanks to numerous studies on the subject: That expressing anger is actually destructive to our health, that anger is harmful to close relationships, and that it becomes an almost addictive trap that we can’t escape from when we indulge in it. I use the word indulge intentionally, because when we scream at our kids or “vent” on our loved ones, we’re actually indulging our baser instincts, not our higher selves. And then we have the nerve to feel justified because they “pushed our buttons”! So it would behoove us to learn anger management strategies before we damage the relationships with those we love the most.

2) Practice, practice, practice. Have you had a day when you settled down into your pillow at night totally happy with how you treated your kids? What made that day different? Did you spend a lot of time outside? Had you had a good nights’ sleep? Did you get some exercise? Did you leave the room and give yourself a time out? Did you give yourself a break to just relax? Did you count to ten or pray for wisdom?  Take note of what you did. Actually write it down, and commit to practicing that tactic again. It’s likely one that works for you. Instead of trying to change yourself into someone else, do what works for you. Practicing that behavior again and again makes it your habit, and it will serve you well the next time you’re in the situation.

Taking charge of our parenting is a bit like taking charge of our money. Whether we set a budget to discipline ourselves or put credit cards in the freezer to make it difficult to overspend, we can also put our parenting in the area of the conscious instead of the unconscious.

However, a problem sometimes exists in the attachment parenting community. Some parents think that gentle discipline means no discipline at all, or they engage in ineffective discipline. It would be helpful to define discipline.

The word discipline comes from disciple, which has as its root the idea of teaching. Teaching is a parent’s job. We provide a framework where learning can take place by loving our children and giving them a safe place, but we also actively teach our children. Instead of being afraid of
discipline, viewing it from this paradigm opens up a new idea about discipline. Here is an example
of what I mean.

Let’s say a child has a habit of slamming doors. You find this irritating to the ears and sometimes
the slamming causes things to fall off the walls. There are a few things that a parent can do in this
situation. A parent could punish a child or yell at their child for slamming the door, but is that
effective or loving? Small chidren generally don’t know that slamming doors is a bad idea. They don’t
understand how that damages the door frame or causes the hinges to weaken. Here is where teaching
comes in.

Why not take the child by the hand, lead them to the door, and get down on their level on your
knees and explain calmly how slamming the door can damage it? Use language that the child can
understand depending on their level of comprehension, and keep it brief. Don’t lecture. Once you
explain the “why”, show the child how to close a door softly. Sell them on the benefits of doing so.
Then ask them to show you how well THEY can softly close the door by doing it for you ten times.

Children love this kind of discipline. They deeply crave to do things right and want to please
you. By taking time to teach, to discipline, you get what you want without damaging your relationship
with your child. Wouldn’t you want to be treated this way?

[tags]discipline, teach, love, children, parenting[/tags]