Why Spanking Doesn’t Work
March 2, 2008 by Tiffany
Filed under Attached Living, Discipline, Older Kids and Teens, Toddlers
A child misbehaves by poking, kicking or similarly assaulting another child. The parent grabs him by the arm and slaps him for hitting that child. “Don’t Hit,” they may even yell. Hmm…what’s wrong with this scenario?
Spanking teaches children that violence is the solution to problems. Hitting teaches that we can and should use physical coersion to get what we want. Not only does spanking teach things that are surely contrary to what we actually want it can errode the trust between parent and child too.
Essentially when we talk about discipline we are talking about behavior that we would like to correct in our children. What better way to teach our children then to model good behavior and behave in a way that is considered respectful, fair and appropriate. Hitting or spanking a child is a behavior not considered respectful or even civil so why would we subject children to such “behavior”? Furthermore we should only discipline in ways that make us feel good about our actions. Can you discipline in front of an audience and not feel ashamed? If not, then something is wrong.
There are many advocates for corporal punishment (spanking) that argue that children who misbehave will only respond to a good spanking and that parents who do not spank such kids “spoil” them. We hear the “spare the rod” advice all to often. As stated above, spanking teaches kids that violence is okay and the “rod” referred to in the Bible is not a physical rod to spank with but instead is a symbol for teaching and guiding.
One of TV’s more popular advice experts, psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw, notes on his website that research has shown that “long-term consequences of spanking can include increased aggressiveness, antisocial behavior, and delinquency.” Does that sound like something we want? Surely not!
No matter what immediate benefits that spanking may bring (stopping the misbehavior) do we as parents want to accept the potential long term consequences? Is it worth it?
In many cases parents spank because they simply don’t have any better ideas or approaches to stop the misbehavior that does not include spanking. Many parents simply raise their children in the manner in which they were brought up. Often times parents do things without even being aware that they are repeating a behavior they were taught as a child. You can break the cycle!
So how do parents break the “spanking cycle”? A good way is to become informed about the alternative ways of discipline. These alternatives may be more time consuming and frustrating but on one ever said parenting was easy.
Take the time to talk to your child. It may take a while for your child to respond to “talking” but with consistency and firmness in your approach it can be a much more satisfying and educational moment for both you and your child.
Whether the child is 3 or 9, taking the time to express and communicate your displeasure with a behavior is a rich learning moment. It may not feel that way at the time, but by honesty and sincerely expressing your discontent in language that reaches your child, you are showing real concern and engaging your child in a way that teaches him respect and good communication.
The consistent show of respect and patience in listening to your child explain his behavior will teach your child the importance of dignity and compassion during those times when it matters most.
You will be exhausted and it will take likely far greater effort than a spanking, but the benefit will far outweigh the inconvenience of fatigue. You don’t have to be perfect as a parent; you just have to be willing to take each disciplinary experience as a learning one for you and your child.
More reading:
ADVENTURES IN GENTLE DISCIPLINE
The No-Cry Discipline Solution
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Thanks…you make some great points about why spanking is not the most effective form of disicipline. I have noticed that my children do become more aggressive when we use spanking. Instead, we try to use other forms of discipline, like timeouts, removal of privileges, etc. Our kids seem to respond better to this. There’s a really great debate about spanking at http://www.opposingviews.com/questions/is-spanking-an-acceptable-form-of-discipline. The Center for Effective Discipline takes the anti-spanking side and makes some good points about why spanking should not be used.
The true meaning of discipline is demonstrating proper behavior to your children by practicing proper behavior yourself around them. Discipline is therefore the opposite of hypocrisy. Children learn behavior the same way they learn language: by imitation. They’ll always do as you do, not as you say. If you don’t want your kids to smoke, you don’t smoke in front of them. If you do smoke in front of them, you have no right to complain if they take up smoking. By the same measure, if you want your kids to not hit, you don’t hit. For that reason, spanking is anything but discipline because it’s not proper behavior. Spanking is completely stupid and downright hypocritical if you’re trying to teach your kids to not hit.
I couldn’t keep up with anything you said. Nothing made sense! The “true meaning of discipline” that you stated is entirely false! The real meaning of discipline is;
- noun
1.
training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline.
2.
activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training: A daily stint at the typewriter is excellent discipline for a writer.
3.
punishment inflicted by way of correction and training.
4.
the rigor or training effect of experience, adversity, etc.: the harsh discipline of poverty.
5.
behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control: good discipline in an army.
6.
a set or system of rules and regulations.
7.
Eccles. the system of government regulating the practice of a church as distinguished from its doctrine.
8.
an instrument of punishment, especially a whip or scourge, used in the practice of self-mortification or as an instrument of chastisement in certain religious communities.
9.
a branch of instruction or learning: the disciplines of history and economics.
- verb (used with object)
10.
to train by instruction and exercise; drill.
11.
to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control.
12.
to punish or penalize in order to train and control; correct; chastise.
Now this is from the dictionary. So you can’t argue with this! I agree, most forms are intense. But don’t try to make your point with a lie.
Spanking works very well. I’m part of a generation of kids who were spanked on occasion when we became all out rebels against parental authority. The vast majority of kids of my generation turned out well – they are self-governed people who have learned to practice self-denial. In contrast, the kids of the spank-free generation are more often self-willed, incorrigible and live with a sense of entitlement. And by the way, your interpretation of the bible on this point is amateurish … The rod is indeed a symbol but not in a general way of instruction but of physical correction. Modern parenting theory really is utterly foolish.
Spare the rod and spoil the child. Sounds extreme but it’s true. The “Do-Gooders” out there that presume to know how to raise our children have produced a generation for whom there are no consequences, no resposibilities, no repercussions to one’s actions. We have school systems where a child can’t fail lest it harm self-esteem. When the child reaches adulthood they are dismayed that the world actually expects things of them and doesn’t care one bit about their “comfort zones”.
I’m not advocating beating a child under any circumstances, but a well placed and timely whack on the butt will do more to give a sense of direction in a child than any amount of mollycoddling psychobabble any “expert” can apply.
So spank away, you’ll be glad you did in 20 years.
I find it fascinating how often the same people who vilify disciplining children (in the form of spanking) then express bewilderment when faced with a generation of undisciplined youth.
Anyone else find the photo in the masthead of this blog somewhat ‘disturbing?’ I believe you can find all your explanations right there.
A family playing together is disturbing?
It is true that many studies associate spanking with “increased aggressiveness”. It is also true that many don’t. The difference: the studies that find aggressiveness don’t distinguish between careful discipline and child abuse.
Your example, by the way, is NOT an example of well-applied discipline. Instead spanking works best if it is saved as a kind of ultimate consequence: after you have set clear rules, warned, admonished, lectured, etc.
If it comes down to spanking, the actual punishment should be planned and deliberate, not instant and arbitrary: “Well Johnny, we’re going to have to give you a spanking. Go to the living room.”
The “lecture” approach advocated in this post, if used appropriately and skillfully is the most powerful tool of discipline. Unfortunately, it takes a lot of skill (or a really receptive child). If used inappropriately (during a power struggle or a battle of will), it is much less effective. Worse, it does not lead moral growth but controls through guilt or shame. This not the better way to raise a confident, resilient child.
If lecture devolves into yelling you may be getting your control through fatigue or pain applied to the eardrums. Don’t kid yourself.
Many children never need to be spanked. The parents never need to progress past those early steps. But to rule out spanking for children who need it is less effective and the alternative strategies the parents resort to will be more harmful.
A good talking to works? Have you seen the generation of brats being reared today? Walk into any local grocery store and watch the children run amok with no consequences. The parents who refuse to give a good spanking now and again literally cower in fear over the child’s wrath and their “lectures” are downright laughable. I was spanked as a child and it sure taught me not to do said action again. I can assure you I am no juvenile delinquent either (in fact, I made the Dean’s List this year at my university). Not all children need to be spanked, and it shouldn’t be done out of anger, but it does work. I find those who were spanked themselves as children usually support spanking as parents because they know it works.
I have seen lots of brats. Their parents are often lazy and don’t want to be bothered with real parenting. This article addresses parents who work HARD to give their kids guidance… just in non violent ways. I would wager they put 2 or 3 times the effort in that spanking parents do. Spanking is a lazy way to handle a problem if you ask me. The two have nothing to do with each other.
I don’t see myself being lazy, we talk about the situation and why he’s going to get spanked. I think it takes guts, I do feel bad everytime i have to spank him. Only 2x this year for 2 different situations. His basic punishment is usually taking away his fav. things, but after so long, you give the stuff back and they do the same thing. I’d rather spank, but not all situation call for a spanking. My son is 10, stubborn and will full, but is still a great child.
My opinion is that this silly, passive form of parenting has led to the current generation of entitlement.
I occasionally got spanked as a child and now I’m in charge of hiring from a pool of young people who have no ideas about how to be productive adults. They all know their rights but no one seems to understand their responsibilities.
Of course, I’m probably wrong. I should fashion my lifestyle around the ideas presented here. After all, you have quotes from Dr Phil! sheesh
There is NO evidence to support this and there thousands of other societal reasons that could be a factor. Remember that spanking is still the norm. In order for your theory to hold any wait you would have to prove that more parents than not have decided not to spank. I very rarely ever come across peaceful parents. No, you are probably doing a lot of assuming in regards to children you categorize as brats.
Mock Dr. Phil if you must but I bet he has more experience with troubled children that you ever have or ever will have. Go ahead and mock what you cannot disprove.
We have two kids. One is now 21, one is about to turn 16. They have both been spanked. Exactly once. I did the “precious snowflake” crap but there comes a time when the child needs to learn that “you must behave”.
One spanking. One spank. They understood immediately what I expected in terms of behaviour, and there was never a question after that.
They are successful academically, are not using drugs, out on the street selling themselves, trapping and torturing small animals… They are well-adjusted you people who have goals, dreams and are working toward them with the full support of their parents.
“Spanking teaches children that violence is the solution to problems. ”
Evidence for this statement please.
Parents who spank are modeling “hitting” and physical violence as a means of behavior modification and getting their way in matters. This one is pretty obvious.
Wow !!! Are we really living in the 21st century?
Number 1: Not every couple have to contribute to increasing population. It is always a choice to enjoy with adult life without getting bothered by “brats”.
Number 2: Violance to another human being is against to Human Rights. Against to younger human beings is infinite-times against to Human Rights. It is cruel !!!
Number 3: Violence is violence. There is no any softer version of it whichever name you use.
I would definitely suggest Number 1. At least our future society will have healthier adults raised by parents who really know what they were doing.
Well, for healthy but spanked generation. We do not have enough
psychologist, and only well-paid people can go.
Remember, you do not have to give birth to a child. This is not mandatory at all.
Sarah
YOU CANT SPANK YOUR KIDS BUT KILLING INNOCENT UNBORN CHILDREN IS OK?!?!?!
YOU’RE MENALLY RETARDED!!!!!!!
She never said anything about abortion. There is such a thing as birth control, or celibacy.
A well written post this, covering all facets about why a parent should refrain from spanking. I’ll admit I did try it once but felt terrible afterwards. When talking or explaining didn’t work either, I decided to refuse to let him do things he loved doing the most. And thankfully, it worked. A couple of times, I refused to talk to him. That worked too because he couldn’t stand me not talking to him
Isn’t tht emotional abuse
I don’t know about everybody else, but spanking sure does work in my house.
There seems to be much debate over whether spanking is effective or not. But there is one point here that I haven’t seen mentioned. What are you going to do when your child gets too old or too big to spank and you haven’t learned any other way of discipline?
Are you going to resort to the belt by the time they’re 16 and think they know it all? At what point does it become abuse? When you have to hit harder and harder to make a point you need to draw the line. There is no reason why children who are disciplined without spanking ever need to become “brats”.
These children you talk about with no sense of moral responsibility were most likely raised by parents who didn’t discipline at all. It’s the “wait til your father gets home” generation. These parents don’t discipline at all, they put it off. No wonder their children don’t respect them.
Choosing not to spank does not mean choosing not to discipline. You can set limits, impose consequences, use time outs, take away privileges, make them earn back privileges, etc, etc. It is a parent’s job to “teach” children to be responsible, say “please” and “thank you” and share toys and possessions with other kids.
Consequences teach kids what to expect in the grown up world. If you’re late on your rent the landlord is not going to come by and whack you with a big stick or a belt, he’s going to give you an eviction notice (a consequence for not meeting your obligations).
Likewise a cop will not beat you with his nightstick for speeding. He’ll give you a ticket which will cost you a large sum of money out of your paycheck, another consequence of reckless behavior. Does anyone see a pattern here?